Friday, February 21, 2014

Anticipation

Oh big day. Oh big days ahead. We're getting closer. A little more than a month to go...

Sometimes I cry. Tears flow so easily these days. They say it's the hormones, but I know better. It's everything. It's excitement. It's change. It's fear. It's life. The warm saltiness rolls down my cheeks and I catch myself laughing midstream. This is really happening. I'm really about to embark on the greatest journey, and sometimes I wonder if it's going to be anything like I imagine. We have so many expectations in life, but how many events actually go the way we anticipate? Particularly when you have absolutely no frame of reference. Just like all of the days that led to this point, these days, too, will slip like water through my hands if I'm not careful to truly savor each and every moment. The joy-filled ones and the sorrow-filled ones alike. You can't have one without the other. I hope I always remember that.

I feel your tiny, little body move and squirm and I wonder what you're feeling in there. This is the only world you know. Soon enough, you'll be exposed to so many things. So many things I so desperately want to protect you from. It's a big world out here. At times, it's a scary world. Certainly it is a broken world. But I never want you to lose heart. Because we have a bigger Savior who loves us and works all things for good for those who love and trust Him, too. Maybe not the way we thought He would. Certainly not always the way we think we want Him to. But always the way we need. Precious child, He already knows every hair on your head. He's been busy knitting you together in my womb these last months. He knows you more intimately already than I could ever hope to. He knows the road we will journey down together and He promises to be there every step of the way. I hope you put your tiny little hand in His. I pray that you will have a heart inclined to His perfect ways. I hope that you surrender your whole life to Him and trust Him to make your paths straight.

I'm going to fail you. It is inevitable. I love you so much that it hurts and I promise to pour out everything I have and everything I am to protect you and to grow you for the rest of my life. But I am just as broken as everyone else and I will make mistakes. Some of them will be small. Some of them will be great. Which is why ultimately, every day I will have to surrender my burden at the foot of the cross. For you and me both. He's the only one who can love perfectly. Even parents fail at that. Where my love falls short, His will more than compensate. For this, I am truly humbled and grateful.

I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss you and smell you and feel your skin against mine. I love you, my sweet child.


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